You Have A Choice

My last lifetime before this one, in linear chronological terms, was during WWII.

I was a young woman living in France, probably around 1944, and I came home one day and went into the basement of the brick apartment building where I lived. I found my young daughter (maybe 2 y.o.) and my mother in that life slaughtered with other people there. I immediately went into immense, overwhelming rage and grief. I swore I would do something to those who had done this–and turned to the dark side, the only way I knew or could think of to avenge these deaths. I then had any number of lifetimes of being and working in the Darkness in all directions of time, past and future, since time is not linear. I don’t know when I died, but I came into this life in the mid-1950s.
I remembered that lifetime during a class with my shamanic teacher when we journeyed on what was creating obstacles for ourselves in this lifetime.

In this lifetime I was born into a seemingly devout Christian community that was in reality a cult hiding both ritualized Christian abuse and deeper pantheistic abuse (the kind you read about and go “Oh no, they’re making that up”). The abuse started 2 days after birth and continued until maybe my late 20s or early 30s, when I was finally able to remember what had happened and get clear of the perpetrators (though dealing with my parents, who were also a part of it, as well as victims of it, was a different story).


I came into this lifetime, I now understand, with 2 differing purposes. The first one, that has guided me from the beginning and has informed my choices again and again, was to go toward goodness and light, caring, loving, bringing the highest good into the world that I am able.

Doing Internal Family Systems work (IFS is one form of a number of therapies helping you to access and heal various parts of yourself, based by the originator on shamanic understanding). I recently found a part of me that held a different belief and desire. I have found many child parts and helped them heal and come to the present, but this one was surprising.

This young baby part had a belief and determination that I would go through these terrible things because I could handle it and wanted revenge. I had asked to come into this hell at least in part for this purpose. (This is not the only example of my hubris in this life!)

When I connected with this part of me I realized I had asked for this experience in order to take get back at those who had hurt me before. I also realized I couldn’t do it.

I had the life-changing understanding that I do not have to take revenge on anyone. I do not have to punish anyone for anything. God/Higher Power/Great Spirit will do this in all ways in all times in all places. This is what Karma is. I don’t need to do anything, it will be taken care of in Spirit’s own time and way. I don’t need to carry that burden.
I experienced such a lightness with this realization! It is not up to me, I can leave it to He/She who is here to take care of whatever happens.


On thinking about this more I realized that I can have compassion for my selves in all those lifetimes where I worked for the Dark, for evil, was mean and nasty, or whatever. Just as I have compassion for my abusers (and please understand, compassion does not excuse what happened). I don’t have to worry about getting even or getting revenge or whatever else on those who “wrong” me, because Spirit will take care of it. It doesn’t mean letting myself be used or abused or not protecting myself, but when things happen, I don’t have to be the one doing the punishing/avenging. Our experiences in all our lives are the whole range of human behavior, the good, bad, ugly, evil, saintly, life-giving, and so on. We will be shown what our actions do and how they affect the world, we will receive whatever learning is necessary, and “punishment” if that is needed or will be seen that way. We may not get to see it happen to those who hurt us, just as we often won’t see the results of the good we do, but it will happen.

I finally  realized that when I came upon that horrific scene in the basement in WWII and immediately turned to the Dark side without another thought, I actually did have a choice. I could turn it over to Spirit. For me that is profound.

2 thoughts on “You Have A Choice

  1. Thank you Iris. I could write a book to comment your post but in a nutshell you have done the Q and the A. I wrote a play 30 yerars ago ( David and Urie ) It was all about that big question of getting EVEN.But it was done in a nice way so to say. It was a good play for my sake.. at least for me of course .. as good as the 7 others I wrote in order to understand more of myself . I will not get into it but I would suggest a very interesting interview by Dolores Cannon on YouTube of a famous investigator- medium who helps the police and clients to solve over 350 cases a year of “cold cases” of murders. She says something fascinating about why sometimes there is a veil of “no trespassing” upon what happened in order to STOP the Wheel of karmas.. Because once the victim/ perpetrator couple starts taking revenge life after life it ‘s not allowed to look into it. Once the count is done, no need to condemn a person for Something she was the first victim. Imagine what happens to the nazis who did the horrors in the concentration camps ?

    • Thanks, Francoise. I’m glad writing plays was your avenue to self-understanding. It’s always amazing the creative ways people have of healing themselves.

      I am not sure I understand what you were saying about the karmic couples, but it is interesting to see that revenge can become a cycle of lifetimes.

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting.

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